


No More Sleepless Nights (Because of You)

by BooksandKpop



Category: SF9 (Band)
Genre: Angst and Fluff, Anxiety, M/M, Sleeplessness, but i felt it would be misleading, dont know what to tag, i kinda wanted to tag Rowoon/Everyone in the relationships, lil bit o angst but it has a nice ending, poor baby cant sleep, they all try to help
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-11-29
Updated: 2017-11-29
Packaged: 2019-02-08 12:20:14
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,156
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/12864393
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/BooksandKpop/pseuds/BooksandKpop
Summary: Rowoon is stressed and can't sleep. The other members try to help but there's only one who can.A birthday fic for my darling Yi!





	No More Sleepless Nights (Because of You)

**Author's Note:**

  * For [hwiyoung](https://archiveofourown.org/users/hwiyoung/gifts).



> So a couple of things! First of all happy birthday Yi!! I hope you have a fantastic day! I don't think this was really what you were looking for with this prompt but I hope you like it all the same!
> 
> Also, my writing style you may find a little different than usual, I'm not really sure how that happened to be honest, hopefully it still reads alright though!

Rowoon was always seen as the motherly figure, and he didn’t really mind that. He liked looking after the younger members, and even the older members at times. Sometimes though, it was hard to always be seen as someone who cared for everyone else, because he felt he had no one to care for him. 

It didn’t happen often, between his individual schedules, and hectic group performances and practices there was always something to keep him busy. He was never one to complain, it was good to be working constantly and getting the group name out there. Sure he felt the pressure of being the face of the group, by representing them well on variety shows and acting in dramas the hope was the public would be curious enough to look them up. SF9 was not just Rowoon though, it was all nine members who had trained and worked their hardest to debut as the first male dance group under their company, they all were determined to get the best image they could out there.

However, there were always the doubts in his mind whenever he went for another appearance that he thought another member should have gotten. Every time their manager called him to talk, a part of him always hoped one of the others would get to join him. Because despite all the fans and their reassurances he was doing well, and despite the compliments from senior artists and producers, it was the praise and comfort of his members he craved the most. And sure whenever the show aired all the members would be sure to watch, and they would give him hugs and compliments, but the moments when he really needed them had long passed. 

Of course, the other members were all busy in their own right; working on music or improving their vocals and dance techniques, or just getting to interact with FANTASY on SNS. Though on days when he arrived home from a shoot and the rest of the group were spread out in their rooms doing their own thing, he desperately just wanted to spend time with the group away from cameras and listen to them laughing and playing around without any pressure to contribute or uphold their image. It was tough being an idol no doubt, the relentless work and living in the eye of the public wasn’t for everyone - but it was the loneliness that got to him the worst. Yes, he was just one in a group of nine loud, excitable boys all striving towards the same goal, but there were moments when he felt completely alone. 

The sleeplessness was a recent development. Before, when he was overwhelmed with tiredness from schedules and working by himself, he could just collapse (carefully) into his bottom bunk and pass out into a dreamless sleep. It was a fleeting escape, but he took whatever he could get. Ever since their most recent comeback though, too many nights he spent lying awake staring at the bottom of Chani’s bed above him. Head filled with useless thoughts, like “what if they never gained more popularity” or “if the company asks me to go solo what would I say”, it was hard to shut them off and fall into sleep anymore. There were nights when his body and brain were so exhausted there was no energy left to stay awake and think, but the next night often came with more invasive thoughts than the ones preceding it. They were truly the worst.

He knew the other members noticed there was something wrong, it was in his dark eye circles and slouched manner or the way his smile never truly lit up his handsome features. They all worried about him, there was so much pressure on his shoulders to do well and put the group out there in the eyes of the public. Despite their well-meaning concern, the constant questions of “are you alright” and “is there something wrong” just made him close off more. As the face of SF9, it was up to him to always put forward the best possible image, and that meant having to hide his sleepless features and sadness behind more layers of makeup and false happiness. It hurt to see Rowoon in such a way, but if he wouldn’t open up to them, the members didn’t know how to help.

Youngbin asked their manager if it would be possible to give him a break, thinking it was mere exhaustion on the taller boy’s part and if he got to rest he would bounce back to his beautiful, energetic self. And for a time it worked, Rowoon got to spend more time with the members doing things other than practice and perform, but without the extra work, a new worry arose. What if the public forgot about them because there was no one doing that bit more? Were they a group that was easily forgettable? He tried his best to make more connections and even asked their manager if he heard of any new opportunities for him. It was desperate searching, but he realised that without the constant push of filming for one thing or another, his body was never exhausted enough to shut off completely, which meant almost every night was spent restlessly with thoughts flickering back and forth through his mind. It was a vicious cycle, and there looked to be no way to break it. 

As his stress and worry increased, so did the concern of the other members. The problem however, was that no one knew how to help their mother hen, especially when he continued to put on a bright facade even at home in the dorm. Youngbin was, of course, the first to try breakthrough, being the leader meant he had a good idea of when things weren’t right, and whatever was happening with Rowoon was obvious to see. It was only natural he approached the taller boy after practice one day to ask him a question.

“Rowoon-ah, would you like to come with me to the movies tonight? It’s been a while since just the two of us spent some time together and relaxed.”

It was said with all the gentle care of a concerned leader, not pushing but an underlying message of pleading. He was really saying “please come so we can talk about what’s wrong away from all the kids” and “I’m worried about you”, and for that reason, Rowoon declined. He made up an excuse for feeling a little under the weather and thought it would be best just to stay home and take it easy. There was a cautious suspicion in their leader’s eyes, but he would never push him into doing anything. Instead, he just sighed and patted the vocal’s shoulder, with a suggestion of “maybe some other time”. Rowoon nodded, but he knew he would never accept the offer, he couldn’t afford to let Youngbin in and see how much was really wrong.

Next to try was their resident sunshine Taeyang, the younger boy nervously came up to sit with him during their rest period from dance rehearsals. It was obvious to Rowoon’s trained motherly eye that the boy was going to ask him something, and while he wished it would be something about their upcoming performance he knew better.

“Hyung, have you been feeling alright lately? It’s just that you didn’t seem very focused during practice the last few days and I want to make sure you’re alright.”

There was so much concern in their main dancer’s voice that it almost broke Rowoon’s heart to hear it. This was the reason why he couldn’t let any of the members know what was troubling him, it would worry them too much. Especially not the younger ones like Taeyang, he already had so much on his plate as both a main vocal and main dancer, there was pressure on him to always perform his best. If he could only reduce that worry on his dongsaeng’s shoulders he would be doing his job. So he laughed as lightly as he could and wrapped an arm around the shorter boy, assuring him that everything was fine and he was just a little tired from practice. No reason to worry, no reason to fret, Taeyang nodded hesitantly. With a promise of “I’ll help you if you need me to” from the younger boy Rowoon just gave him a side hug and convinced him to use his break to eat. He needed to keep up his strength, and it was on Rowoon’s shoulders to make sure that all their members were getting adequate meals.

Unexpectedly enough it was Jaeyoon and Dawon who came to him next. While the two loudest members spent plenty of time working separately, they always came together to do important things. Apparently, confronting Rowoon about his off mood was very important to them. They initiated an impromptu cuddle session on the couch in their dorm one evening, using the tallest of the three as their central pillow. He was trapped beneath a pile of body mass and snaking limbs, and he could only pray they were in a quiet mood that day. After about half an hour of constant reshuffling and playful bickering they finally settled down comfortably, and Rowoon felt a little of his stress melt away, but of course, there was always a reason behind the two older vocalists madness.

“You know woonie, if you’re worried about something you can talk to us. Please tell us you know that?”

“Yeah, we are your trusted confidants, and we just want to help you out.”

It was heartwarming and yet heartbreaking at the same time, there was no way he could burden the group's happy virus and honey vocals with his own worries when he was able to deal with them himself. He just smiled and pulled his clingy hyungs tighter to his chest, and assured them he would of course come to them if he ever needed to talk. They weren’t convinced but decided that cuddling with their tall vocalist was the best they could do if he wouldn’t open up to them. 

Hwiyoung was next to try talk to him, all fidgeting fingers and stuttered concerns. He sat next to him in the back of the van on their way home from a radio schedule and rested his head on the tallers shoulders. It was noisy, the others all full of energy and yelling loudly, but the two of them were silent in the back. Rowoon was just waiting for the inevitable question that was sure to come, and sure enough, before they got to the dorm he asked.

“You wouldn’t do anything to hurt yourself, right hyung?”

His voice was desperate, broken with worry almost. The younger boy seemed to have missed the direction of Rowoon’s inner turmoil, so he was confidently able to reassure him with “no of course not, I would never hurt myself because I know it would hurt all of you too”. And it was true to an extent, his physical condition was very important because it was his main selling point he thought, there was no way he would put that in jeopardy because of his sometimes intrusive thoughts. He didn’t think that his mental harm was something that was worth mentioning. With a soft sniffle, the rapper beside him fell asleep, clutching tightly to the older’s arm the rest of the journey.

When Chani came to talk to him Rowoon had plenty of time to prepare. Their maknae had tried to corner him at breakfast that morning but failed thanks to a hurried change in schedule, but he was nothing if not persistent. As they waited to shower that night he sat directly across from the tallest and looked him dead in the eye. At least he would be direct in his questioning, and Rowoon could get it over with.

“We’re a group hyung, and if there’s something wrong you’re supposed to talk to us. Maybe not all of us, but someone. You should know that better than any of us, you’re always the one we talk to.”

His words stung a little, and Rowoon had the decency to look away guiltily. But he wasn’t going to spill all of his problems on their youngest member, not when he had bags under his eyes from the combined stress of school and idol life. He smiled sheepishly and said he knew, and that if he needed someone to talk to then he certainly would. Chani opened his mouth to protest the fact he was lying, but fortunately, Rowoon was saved by Taeyang finishing his shower and coming out of the bathroom. Instead, he switched to the usual mom mode and made the younger boy go before him so he could get to bed sooner. There was no need for him to rush, he got the feeling he would be especially sleepless tonight.

When it came to Inseong’s turn to confront him, Rowoon was getting tired of always being tired. The occasional nights of restless sleep had turned into continuous insomnia. He would sometimes catch an hour nap here and there while on schedule but when he lay in his bed, sleep just refused to take him away from his problems. It was after a particularly harsh day of training and a commercial shooting that the eldest member cornered him in their small dorm kitchen. The stylists had commented on his dark eye bags and limp posture for the first time that day since all of this started, and it made it infinitely harder to smile and pose for the cameras. But as always, he had done his very best, SF9 meant everything to him and there was nothing he wouldn’t do to put their name and good image out there. But when he got back to the dorm he just sagged against the counter and felt all his tiredness and frustration build up in tears behind his eyes. He wouldn’t cry in front of Inseong though, he held himself strong and braced for the concern he was sure the older was about to show for him.

“Juho is alone tonight because manager-hyung is away on business. I think you should stay with him for company.”

The concern was overwhelmingly there for sure, but it was not manifested in the way Rowoon thought it would. He had been preparing for a lecture about staying healthy or assurance that he could always talk to him, or even a pleading statement of “please don’t wear yourself out”. Instead, he felt confusion over the bone-aching tiredness, why would Inseong bring Juho into this? Of all the members Inseong was the other one besides him who took on a caring motherly role in the group. They often laughed because when he was with Youngbin you could call them the parents of the group. Rowoon never minded that, when the extra burden of responsibility was taken on by someone else, especially not when he knew how kind and caring their eldest hyung really was. He thought then that the concern in the vocalist's voice was for their deep-voiced rapper and not for him. And that sent him into immediate worry mode. 

Juho was his oldest friend in the group, the two of them had been together since the start and there was a special bond there that was stronger than anything they had with the other members. So if he was ill or there was something wrong, that was up to Rowoon to fix it. Muttering an “okay thanks” to Inseong he hurriedly shuffled out of the kitchen. Grabbing a clean set of pyjamas from their shared bedroom, while trying not to wake a sleeping Chani or Dawon, he crossed the hall and knocked on Juho’s door. Hearing a muffled “come in”, he pushed it open and quietly slipped inside. The rapper looked surprised to see him but still beckoned him over. Sitting on the edge of the mattress, Juho reached out and put a hand on Rowoon’s. It was a small gesture, but it symbolised a lot to them.

“What’s up? Did you need something?”

There was tiredness lacing his deep voice and at first, Rowoon was a little confused. For Inseong to have suggested keeping the other company, Juho first would have had to say something about feeling lonely, but it seemed like the redhead had no idea why the taller boy had come to see him. It dawned on him then that Inseong’s concern really was for him, and he had just hidden it behind a front designed to make sure Rowoon really went to see the other. Juho was still looking at him waiting for an answer, and something inside him broke at the softness that was there. The tears which had been threatening to spill over all day finally broke free and rushed down his cheeks, he was shaking with sobs and all his emotions were no longer in check behind the wall he had put up. 

He was pulled into a strong embrace, the angle making it awkward but Rowoon didn’t care. Finally, he was letting everything that had been worrying him over the past few months all come rushing out, and Juho just held him and let him cry. Rowoon didn’t know how long they sat like that with him bawling his eyes out onto the shorter male's shoulder, but it was long enough for his muscles to get stiff from their uncomfortable position. The tears had subsided slightly and he felt he could breathe at least semi-normally again. Looking up there was concern in Juho’s eyes, but there was also so much love that it made Rowoon’s heartache. Before he could say anything in the form of an apology, the other was wiping tears from his cheeks and held his face in his hands. 

They stared at one another and Rowoon felt another wall within him break, but this was one he had built a much longer time ago. The feelings he had for his friend were more than just platonic, but for the sake of their debut and the group he had hidden them away so well they were almost forgotten about. Until now, when all Rowoon could feel was love and want, and an aching tiredness that was deeper than anything he had felt before. All the crying had exhausted his body more than he thought possible, and he felt himself drooping forward to rest his head on Juho’s shoulder again. The other seemed to understand and just rubbed soothing circles between his shoulder blades until Rowoon felt like he might actually fall asleep in that position.

“Do you want to get dressed for bed and stay with me tonight?”

The bass of the words vibrated deep in Rowoon’s chest, and he sat upright once more with great difficulty. He nodded, and between the two of them, they managed to get the taller boy out of his jeans and shirt from the shoot earlier that day and into a comfortable t-shirt and basketball shorts. Thankfully he had already washed his makeup off because Rowoon didn’t think it would have been possible for him to move his limbs too much more that night. They both snuggled under the covers on the too-small mattress for their giant frames. Despite being the taller one, Rowoon felt himself being wrapped up in the other’s embrace as if he was tiny and needed protection, and the love resurfaced again.

“Do you want to tell me what’s wrong? You haven’t been yourself for a while, but I figured if I just waited long enough you would talk to someone.”

Rowoon nodded his head against Juho’s chest, he really did want to talk about it. He wanted so badly to share with someone everything that he had been going through, but the niggling doubt of not wanting to burden the others was still there. Only this time instead of brushing it off, he shared his thoughts with the redhead lying next to him. Once the words started, he couldn’t get them to stop. Everything came tumbling out in a long unbroken rant, words racing to escape from his head and into the minimal space between them. And Juho just held him close, and rubbed his back and whispered soothing words into his ear when the emotions caused him to choke up and stop. Because he understood, and he wanted to be there to help.

So when he had emptied his brain of all his concerns and felt like he had no more tears left to cry, he looked up into Juho’s eyes and found the love and care he had been craving for so long. And maybe it was rash and stupid but he leaned in and met his lips with a kiss. But the redhead kissed him back, pouring all of his affections into the movement and it felt like finally, everything was going to be okay.

They shared many more kisses and secrets, tears and emotions flowing freely between them. With every new revelation and tender embrace, Rowoon felt more and more weight being lifted from his shoulders until it was like he was floating. It had been a very long time since he didn’t have so many burdens placed on him to be the best and do everything well. But Juho made that happen, and when the exhaustion finally became too much for him to bear any longer, the taller boy succumbed to the pull of sleep while wrapped in his best friend’s arms. 

That one night of love and affection was not enough to permanently fix all of Rowoon’s problems, and he knew that. But now he also knew that he had someone to go to who would help him no matter what. And so if their manager noticed two figures instead of one in the room with him on many nights, he didn’t say anything. Because what he did notice was Rowoon becoming more bright and happy again, he was less stressed and more comfortable with having time off. The other members noticed too, but upon strict instructions from Inseong (relayed through Youngbin) they didn’t question him about it. Nor did they question Juho about his sudden surge in clinginess with the tall vocalist. Because where they had all failed to break through Rowoon’s walls, Juho had succeeded, and the group was doing better for it.

It took a few weeks of sharing a bed and reassuring words whispered in the dead of night before Rowoon got up the courage to question what thing they had between them. Sure they cuddled at night and sneaked kisses when they thought no one could see, but the feelings Rowoon had for the redhead were so strong he wanted to voice them out. But he couldn’t, not until he was sure Juho wanted the same thing. So, on another night where sleep escaped him and he found himself wrapped in Juho’s arms, he broached the topic.

“What are we Juho?”

It seemed to shake the rapper from his sleepy mindset, immediately moving so they were face to face. His eyes were fighting furiously against his exhaustion to stay open, and Rowoon felt a bit guilty for holding him back from his well-deserved rest. But he was afraid that unless they discussed this now they might never get the chance, and the worry was already starting to try build his walls back up again. Juho could obviously sense his distress and moved to cup the taller boys face in his hands.

“We are us, together like we’ve always been. You can call us idol members, best friends, lovers, boyfriends - it doesn’t matter because we’re all of those things at once. It’s you and me, Rowoon and Zuho, Seokwoo and Juho - together.”

And just like that, Rowoon felt himself start to cry again. Only this time it wasn’t from stress or tiredness but out of love. Juho panicked and started trying to calm him down, but he reassured him that they were good tears and there was no need to worry. Instead, Rowoon leaned in and kissed him, sweet despite the salty tears on his lips. Because this was all he ever wanted, to have someone to listen and to look after him, and he found it in his best friend. They didn’t talk much after that, but it took a while before they both finally got to sleep. So maybe the other members noticed their puffy eyes and shy glances the next morning, but they weren’t going to say a word.

Whenever Rowoon felt restless and like he couldn’t sleep, he didn’t always have to sneak away into Juho’s room, sometimes just the thought of him put his mind at ease and his body was able to rest. The jumpers he wore that smelled like the other tended to help too.


End file.
